Austin Powers in Goldmember (2002)

The first Austin Powers movie is the best of three but that's not saying much: I give them (in their natural order) 2.5 stars, 1.5 stars, and 1 star. (Hint: I give The 40-Year-Old Virgin and the Korean short Doggie Poo 2 stars.) This third is a turd -- literally. So much of the humor is scatological, the film canister as well as the DVD should go straight in a diaper pail. While Michael Caine can generally do no wrong, this script leaves him (as Austin Powers' dad) virtually defenseless and bereft of charm. Meanwhile, his presence gives Mike Myers (as Austin Powers) the unfortunate entitlement to make even worse attempts at sexual humor and come-ons than ever (all the while smirking and snorking as if he's funny and likeable). Beyonce (as quasi-blaxploitation princess Foxy Brown) is vapid when it comes to facial expressions or mouthing more than one line at a time. (Her twin demimoons and glitter are more expressive than she is.) Myers is also back as Dr. Evil (with a massive Dr. Evil-shaped submarine that -- with all its butt-related attempts at humor, I'm not going to "go there"). Verne Troyer (as Dr. Evil's Mini-Me clone) is so underused as to be pathetic; he's mostly kicked around (literally). The script's attempts at humor don't even reach the low point called droll. Myers also plays two new villains that are reprehensible not for their motives but because they're simply disgusting. For no reason that makes any sense, Goldmember has glowing golden genitalia; he often pulls out and throws around a metallic rod and makes inane comments that no one laughs at. He has a Dutch accent and others often insult the Dutch. Worst person in the world, however, is Fat Bastard (yes, that's his name). Being a Myers caricature, he has a Sco'ish accent and the worst hygiene you could imagine. (I won't try to characterize his putrescence but most of his attention and conversation has to do with, and therefore is, literal crap.) The only character I like is the Teutonic banshee, Frau Farbissina (Mindy Sterling, also iCarly's Ms. Briggs): "Lies! All lies!" The point of the movie (if it has any) is that Seth Green (as Dr. Evil's son Scott) has joined his father on the dark side (even if he does run like a girl, settle on a bad combover, and has a lot of work to do on his evil laugh). The end is a muddle but the whole of Austin Powers 3 is a mess salad; no funnier than tossed cookies, it puts the urge in regurgitate. 1 star. (4-10-09 posted 4-14-09)