Mortal Kombat: Annihilation (1997)

To try to convince you of how rancid this movie is, let me describe just one five-minute segment. Let's say you're channel-surfing and you fall upon the story at this point: The sky opens up in a vast upside-down maelstrom (that looks like it was drawn using the Children's Finger Paint Edition of Lightwave special-effects software) except instead of sucking things into its well or funnel (going up), this celestial whirlpool serves as a portal to deliver several jet-propelled agents of evil (coming down). Next, a Power Rangers lookalike (though with dreadlocks of conduit) ominously enters the laboratory where Sonya is trying to free Jax from the shackles of a slab where he has been the cybernetically modified to "four times the usual strength." Jax decides to "see what these things can do" and uses his silvery biceps to rip off his own shackles. (How unforesightful of his evil-scientist overseers.) "Now that's what I'm talking about!" he exclaims -- just as Mr. Roboto unleashes several detonation charges in their general vicinity. Huge fireballs ensue. (Naturally, they duck, run, and therefore live.) Several martial-arts enemies appear to confront Sonya; Jax says he'll take on the robot. Several minutes of hee-yah! hee-yah! kickboxing ensue with bodies being flung against walls dozens of times. Eventually, the bad guys are vanquished (the last one by Sonya, no I am not making this up, hitting him over the head with a metal bowl) but Robodroid unleashes a farewell valentine for the fighting duo. (Naturally, they run, dive, and therefore live.) The scene shifts to the dark (and doubtless fetid) war council, where the general and his adjutants snarl and cast imprecations on each other, vying for superiority. (What is it with evil overlords and their fixation on grandstanding?) The dark lord strides in with a giant black mallet, mouths inane dialog then swings it to (literally) fire his general, then growls for a replacement. Three of the four adjutants snarl (one gnashing his teeth so hard you wonder about his medical bills for TMJ) and cast imprecations on each other, vowing their loyalty as they vie for superiority. The dark lord says "No! You are all too impetuous!" and picks as his new general the fourth -- she of impeccable makeup and silent leer, who has never said a word -- then storms out. This is when you make your exit too. 1 star.