Lady in the Water (2006)

I supremely enjoyed M. Night Shyamalan's The Sixth Sense and, like everyone else, looked for as good or better from his next movie. I was more than disappointed with Unbreakable, however; I was infuriated -- and matters didn't get better with Signs or The Village. The Sixth Sense was (to my mind) smoothly constructed and flawlessly told with a riveting twist; since then, NightBrain's every movie has been hamhandedly scripted, full of empty sucker punches, and ending in a grating nonsequitur, anticlimax, or shaggy-dog twist (like the ever-obnoxious "Oh, guess what? The whole thing was just a dream! -- Or was it?"). That's not writing, that's hackery! Lady in the Water may be impressive for its set design, color palette, and cinematography. The script, not so much; the acting was passable. I was intrigued by the movie's premise; M. Night just didn't deliver on its potential. (The copious bonus features make much of the script's origins in a bedtime story he wrote and expanded for his children, to which I can only say: It worked for The Hobbit, but I have read The Hobbit, and this is not The Hobbit.) To begin: Narf?! What were you thinking, Shyammy? To continue: Lame special effects. Going on: Enough plot holes to sprain every ankle on a centipede. I finally lost it when M. Night has one character interpreting the magical events by random or selective reading of clues from the daily crossword puzzle! Normally I respect Paul Giamatti but he almost lost his self-respect with this script. (For example, he dives in the swimming pool that people swim in every day and discovers a subterranean mud-lined cave that doesn't muddy the water. He swim-spelunks for twice as long as any mortal can hold his breath, then sight-unseen picks out and brings back the one treasure the narf needs to survive.) Meanwhile, M. Night himself plays a young man who has just finished writing a book that is fated to save humanity from certain destruction. (Can you say hubris?) The one priceless scene was when the film critic played by Bob Balaban onerously pronounces how his final scene must by definition play out -- and the beast promptly proves him wrong. (M. Night to critics: Take that!) Lady in the Water has a lot going for it but plenty of unnecessary missteps and skipped beats. I would have gone for something more magical and mysterious than loaded down with ponderous attempts to explain (and then tangentially twist) everyone's part in the quest. I love Watership Down. I absolutely love Willow. I managed to sit through Lady in the Water. I hope you enjoy it more than I did -- for its own sake and not for what I hoped it would be. 3.5 stars. (10-27-10 posted 11-3-10)